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I cohost a podcast about dating, and that podcast has a secret Facebook group for listeners. It's a place they can share dating qualms, ask for advice, and generally boost my ego (jokes!). It's also one of the few comment sections on the internet that I can tolerate, and that's entirely due to our sweet listeners. Recently, the topic of whether dating app bios for open relationships should be honest about their relationship status or not. I quickly realized that I did not know all that much about open relationships, and I decided to listen with my eyeballs and not type with my fingers.

Essentially, a listener shared that after Googling after a recent first date (because 2018), she found out that he seemingly had a girlfriend on his social media. We're talking profile pictures here. She liked him, planned out to hang out with him again, and wondered if she should say something about him potentially cheating on his girlfriend. While most of us chimed in with a 'YES, find out now!' one of our listeners in a poly relationship reminded us that this guy could very well be poly or in an open relationship, and that we should consider that as well.

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While I was relatively vanilla in my initial thinking about the situation ('HE'S A DOG!'), I still felt pretty strongly that being in an open relationship is something that should be disclosed before heading out on a date. I understand that the world is changing and that open-mindedness is queen, but there if I'm going to spend my night with you, I'd like to know if you're single or not.

I spoke to relationship coach specializing in open relationships Effy Blue, and licensed psychotherapist and dating coach, Shaina Singh, LCSW about the right way to introduce an open relationship when using dating apps actively with people who may or may not be in open relationships as well.

Be As Transparent As Possible In Your Dating Profile

While it might feel limiting, or you might worry that people will wonder if you're just looking for sex if you include your open relationship in your bio, being honest is the best policy. Wouldn't you appreciate if someone was transparent with you?

'When someone is setting up a dating profile, they should be honest and ethical about their disclosure of the type of relationship they are in,' says Singh. 'It needs to be front and center where people can clearly see this. It should never be hidden, unclear or vague.' She adds that this will help you attract the type of people who will truly celebrate your relationship status, and OKCupid even has an option for your matches to link to your partner's profile.

If you're really uncomfortable putting it in your bio, for fear someone from work or another arena of your life might happen to see it, mention it as soon as possible upon beginning a conversation. 'If you don't feel comfortable, be sure to mention it early in the messaging process,' says Blue. 'Most definitely before you show up for your first date. There are many people who are [only] looking for monogamy, so why waste your or their time?'

Be Clear About What You Mean By 'Open Relationship'

While the words are often interchanged, being in an open relationship and being polyamorous can mean two different things. 'Open relationships are relationships that are not defined by sexual fidelity where the couple mutually agrees to have sexual relationships beyond the dyad [pair],' explains Blue. 'Some people use 'open relationship' and 'polyamory' synonymously. Open relationships being only about sex outside the relationship and polyamory being multiple romantic and loving relationships pursued simultaneously.' She adds that it is important to have a conversation to understand what a person means by 'open relationship,' as there are multiple definitions.

Be honest with a potential partner about exactly what you and your current partner's arrangement is. '[The] idea behind having an open relationship is that you can't expect to have all your needs met by one person, or there is a part of your gender or sexuality that you want to celebrate and can do so by being in a relationship with someone else other than your primary partner,' explains Singh. 'Some partners have rules around their open relationship that they can have sex with other people, however, no emotional connection or relationship is allowed.'

While you don't necessarily need to slap this information on your Tinder bio, it would be nice to mention it early and definitely before going on a date. 'Not everyone you meet online or in person is going to be as psyched about non-monogamy as you are,' Blue adds. 'This is okay! A good way to handle these initial conversations is to invite potential dating partners to have a conversation about what your open relationship means to you. The key is to invite rather than impose.'

If you're new to open relationships, or if you've matched with someone whose bio mentions an open relationship, and you're not sure if you're ready to be in one, take a look at Effy Blue's 7 Tips for Dating In Open Relationship. It's a free download that will help you navigate the language around opening a relationship up on dating apps.

Oh, and as for the secret Facebook group commenter? Turns out the guy had just broken up with his girlfriend a month prior, still lived with her, and had yet to change his Facebook picture. Trust that people in agreed-upon open relationships will let you know upfront, if they don't, they're not for you anyway.

Open relationships are really misunderstood. The most common misconception is that people who are in open relationships are just cheating on each other. Another is that people in open relationships are intimate with pretty much everyone they meet. In general, being in an open relationship is seen as promiscuous and immoral. People in open relationships face a lot of judgment because of these misunderstandings misconceptions.

What do open relationships really look like? Well, the real answer is that open relationships are different for every couple. One thing common to almost every open relationship is that there are ground rules. What those rules are is up to every individual couple. Another common feature is reliance on open, honest communication.

Some couples have other long term partners. Other couples only have casual intimate relationships with other people. Some couples engage in intimate activity with other people as a couple, but other couples prefer to keep their extra-marital activities completely separate from their partner.

Another common misconception is that making the decision to have an open relationship or marriage is a sign that the relationship is falling apart. On the contrary, many people in open relationships say that the choice to sleep with other people made their relationship stronger than ever. Some even go as far as to say that deciding to have an open marriage saved their marriage.

Curious about what it's like to be a woman in an open relationship or marriage? Check out these confessions from women in open relationships to see what it's really like.

15 Honesty and communication is key

'I have an open marriage and it is so much fun. We love sharing all our juicy details with each other! All about honesty and communication!'

Talking to each other is absolutely essential to a successful open relationship. All open couples have different rules about how much they share with each other. Some couples tell each other every little detail of their adventures with other partners. For some, these details are a huge turn on. For others, they're just a necessity of feeling comfortable with their partner's intimate decisions.

Other couples have a 'don't ask, don't tell' policy. They don't want to know about anything their partner is doing outside of their own bedroom. However, communication is still essential in these relationships. Couples with multiple partners or who casually date other people need to be really transparent about scheduling so no one feels blown off or left in the dark.

No matter what the rules are about sharing details of intimate encounters, open and honest communication is super important to a successful open relationship.

14 It's not about falling out of love

'My wife and I decided to have an open marriage. We are absolutely in love, but both want freedom to play with others.'

Couples who decide to open up their relationship often love each other very much. People in successful open marriages often talk about how the trust they built in their monogamous marriage allowed them to handle an open marriage. If they weren't able to trust that they loved each other enough to always come back to the relationship, then the open relationship would not be successful.

They also talk about how their primary partner, the one that they were in a relationship with to begin with, is their end all be all. Even though they like sleeping with other people, they're always happy to go home to their primary partner.

Sleeping with other people, dating other people, or even having another long term partner, sometimes called a secondary or tertiary, does not mean that a person loves their primary partner any less. It just means they have the freedom to explore their intimate and romantic needs and wants with other people.

13 It's about letting each other be authentic

'I love being in an open marriage. I'm so glad my husband has accepted me for me :)'

A lot of people believe that humans aren't meant to be monogamous. They believe that monogamy is a social construct that traps people and forces them in to relationship dynamics that are suffocating and unnatural.

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So often relationships run in to problems because one partner doesn't feel accepted for who they really are. This can be compounded if they feel like their true self is being harshly judged. People who are not made for monogamy are not aberrant, they're just different and there's nothing wrong with that. Allowing them to explore an open relationship is allowing them to be their true selves and honoring their intimate needs.

It's totally normal for partners to have completely different sex drives. If one partner cannot accommodate their partner's sex drive, allowing them to explore with others can remove tension from the relationship cause by different needs.

As long as both partners can adjust to being non-monogamous, the switch to an open relationship can allow both partners to feel like they're living their authentic lives.

12 Deciding to have an open relationship can save the marriage

'Confession: When my husband and I were in an open marriage it save my marriage, before it I felt so frustrated and trapped.'

We're all taught that monogamy is the norm. We're supposed to fall in love, get married, and be with that one person for the rest of our lives. So, we try to be monogamous because we're supposed to. Some people do this and then realize that they aren't cut out for monogamy.

For a lot of people, this is a really painful experience. They feel trapped by the limitations of monogamy and they feel awful for wanting to be with someone other than their partner. They feel like they're a bad partner and something must be wrong with them. Their marriage can begin to suffer.

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It can be really difficult to ask your monogamous partner for an open relationship. You both went in to the relationship with the expectation of monogamy and asking for something different could go poorly. But if your marriage is about to end because of the strain of being monogamous, what do you really have to lose? You could find that your partner feels the same way.

11 It really can be the best of both worlds

'I love being in an open marriage. I have the freedom I need, and the stability at home that most people envy. It's the best of both worlds :)'

You know that saying about having your cake and eating it too? Well with an open relationship that's pretty much what you're doing. In a successful open relationship, you get the stability of having a long term partner at home and the freedom to explore with other people.

A lot of people believe that there's no way to have your cake and eat it too; something will always go wrong. This is the common assumption about open relationships. Having a long term partner at home and dating other people sounds too good to be true, so it must be, right? Somebody will get jealous, one partner will leave the relationship for someone they're dating or sleeping with, or the relationship will just fall apart from lack of investment.

None of this has to be true. Yes, it takes a lot of work and a lot of good planning, but people in open relationships can definitely enjoy the best of both worlds.

10 Having an open relationship isn't immoral

'I have an open marriage. This means we redefined the rules to work for us. This doesn't mean I don't have morals or standards. And I'm not letting just anyone have sex with me. Got it now?'

Say it one more time for the people in the back: being in an open relationship does not mean that a person doesn't have any morals or values. It just means that their relationship follows different rules than your relationship. They've established their own rules that work for them. And there's nothing wrong with that.

Ground rules are really important for open relationships. Before the partners start seeing other people, they discuss every detail of the logistics. What does each partner need to do when they're with other people? What do they need to disclose to their partner about their other relationships? Who, if anyone, is 'off limits' for each partner (this may include exes, best friends, partner's family members, or anyone one partner feels threatened by)?

These rules need to be followed in order for the open relationship to work. Some couples have a lot of rules, some have very few. The parameters of open relationships vary widely, and the most important thing to remember is that if you're not in the relationship, it's none of your business.

9 And it doesn't mean they'll sleep with you

'I don't tell people I have an open marriage bc they assume that means I'll sleep with them.'

First of all, a person's relationship status has pretty much nothing to do with you unless they're hitting on you. Then you're allowed to ask, as long as you're aware that they're allowed to not tell you.

Second, being is an open relationship does not mean that someone, especially an attractive woman, is promiscuous. There's an assumption that wanting to have multiple partners means wanting to have lots of partners, and that's just not true.

Some people in open relationships only have one partner other than their primary relationship. Others do have tons of partners, but that's okay too. It's also totally not your business. Also, just because they're in an open relationship doesn't mean they're always looking for new partners.

Please leave all your assumptions about a person's sex life behind, really when you're talking to anyone, but especially when you're talking to someone in an open relationship.

8 You can be each other's wing(wo)man

'My husband and I have an open marriage. I am his best wingman.'

Some couples in open relationships keep out of each other's sex and dating lives entirely. Others love to go out together and pick up people together. (In case this hasn't gotten through yet, pretty much every open relationship is different, just like every monogamous relationship.) For those who like to go out together, playing wingman or wingwoman for their partner can be quite the experience.

One of the keys to an open relationship is that each partner likes the fact that their partner is happy with other people. I'm not saying that jealousy doesn't happen. It totally does. But if one partner can't handle their partner being happy with someone else, then an open marriage probably isn't a great decision.

For those who like knowing about their partner's other relationships, it should be satisfying to see them get joy from another person. And it's even more satisfying to help them obtain that joy by being the best wingman/wingwoman ever.

7 Sometimes you have to hide because of people's judgments

'I want to take one of my co-workers (an assistant) out & am in a newly open marriage. Not sure if I want that going around my work.'

Unfortunately a lot of prejudice still exists when it comes to open marriages. People don't understand what they're about or how they work. People make assumptions and then make judgments based on those assumptions. This means that a lot of people in open relationships feel like they have to hide their true relationship status. They usually only tell people they want to date. As this confession makes clear, it can also limit their dating pool because they don't want the rumor mill going full strength in places where it would hurt their reputation like work or the PTA.

People in open relationships are used to being super stealth about it. You know that hot soccer mom with three kids and a minivan you're jealous of at soccer practice? She might have two or three partners and her husband might have more. You'd never know unless they trusted you enough to tell you, which is hard because they never know who to trust.

Some find the secrecy hot, but more often than not it's annoying to have to hide.

6 It can get tough if one partner isn't being honest

'We are in an open marriage but she is secretive about this one guy. I have also met him a few times. Thought we didn't talk to him anymore. A year and a half later and they are still talking.'

Adhering to the ground rules laid out for an open relationship is really important, especially the ground rules around honesty. If one of the rules is that you tell each other about all the people you're talking to or flirting with, then hiding communication with a secondary partner from your primary partner is a really big deal. It's an especially big deal if your partner was under the impression you were no longer talking to that partner.

There are a lot of opportunities for trust to be lost in any relationship, especially when one partner isn't being honest. An open relationship adds the dynamic of additional people, so if one partner decides to be be dishonest about their adherence to the rules of the relationship, a major breach of trust can occur. Any breach of trust in an open relationship can destabilize the whole arrangement. Trust is the basis of any relationship, but especially open relationships because the arrangement is more nuanced.

5 Or if one partner is getting more play than the other

'Being in an open marriage is tough. Especially when I'm having a blast and my husband is struggling.'

Sometimes the way couples envision open relationships isn't the way they go at all. They may enter in to an open relationship thinking that each of them will have roughly the same amount of extra-marital activity only to find that one of them is much more active than the other.

This can lead to jealousy, not necessarily of their partner's partners, but of the fact that they are getting more action. If one partner is out getting dates all the time and the other can't seem to find a date at all, things can get rocky.

It's important for couples to have realistic expectations of what an open relationship looks like. It also helps if a solid part of the motivation for being in an open relationship is seeing your partner happy, not just getting extra for yourself.

It's also important to speak up and continue to talk about what is working and what isn't.

4 It can complicate mutual friendships

'My confession: I'm in an open marriage and I have been sleeping with my husbands best friend.'

Open relationships can get pretty messy if one or both partners starts sleeping with mutual friends, unless those friends are familiar with how open relationships work and with the boundaries of the particular open relationship.

Some people build communities of people who are non-monogamous and they date freely within those communities. This can be a great experience because everyone in the community is familiar with non-monogamy and usually very respectful of everyone's boundaries.

If one partner starts sleeping with a mutual friend who is not familiar with open relationships or not respectful of the physical and emotional boundaries of the relationship, that's when things start to get tough. Often mutual friends bring too many emotional entanglements because of the past they have with the couple. Incorporating them in to the relationship dynamic can create drama.

Some couples in open relationships avoid this by setting rules against sleeping with mutual friends. Many couples in open relationships find it easier to date new people or acquaintances that may or not be mutual.

3 If both partners aren't in to it, things are bound to go wrong

'My husband and I have an open marriage, the only reason I agreed to it is so I know instead of him cheating behind my back.'

Being in an open relationship inherently means that each partner is not 'cheating' when they sleep with someone else. Agreeing to be in an open relationship while maintaining the mindset that your partner is 'cheating' is disastrous. If you're only agreeing to be in an open relationship so your partner is forced to tell you about the other person they're sleeping with, you're going to be a very miserable person. You'll likely end up resentful and consumed with jealousy. It also gets dangerous if your mindset when sleeping with other people is to 'get back' at your partner for the people they slept with.

If any of the above sounds familiar, you're not really in an open relationship. You're in an unhealthy relationship that either needs some serious work or needs to end. In order for an open relationship to work, both partners have to be invested in the idea and both partners need to be respectful of what the other wants and needs. If one is really in to it and the other one still think it's cheating, it's never going to work.

2 Being in an open relationship can be really lonely

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'My husband and I have an open marriage, he's been deployed for five going on six months. I slept with a buddy of ours just so I don't cry myself to sleep, like I do when no one's there.'

For many people, even if they really love being with other people, it's just never quite the same as being with their primary partner. Their primary partner is the person they truly love. Their primary partner is the person they trust and have history with, the one who's been there through thick and thin. That's their person.

A lot of people will choose to have open relationships if one of them is gone a lot so that the other person's intimate needs are always met. But this can get really lonely if the primary partners are away from each other for long periods of time. No other relationship can compare, so even if they're not sleeping alone, the partner who's still at home can feel very lonely.

Getting intimate needs met is not the same thing as having a life partner, and a life partner can't just be swapped out with a bed warmer, even if that bed warmer is really good at what they do.

1 And it's definitely not for everyone

'Husband just asked for an open marriage. I'm fully monogamous. Now I'm absolutely devastated. Why am I not enough?'

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An open relationship is never going to work if one partner is committed to monogamy. Sometimes, a partner who is pretty sure they're committed to monogamy will agree to an open marriage or relationship because they're afraid of losing their partner. This will almost always end in heartbreak. The person who is committed to monogamy usually finds it hard to pursue other relationships, and the partner who requested the open marriage usually ends up being the only one sleeping with other people.

In this case, neither person is living their truth. The person who wants to be monogamous is giving up their values in order to please their partner. The partner who wants an open marriage is getting what they want through coercion, which usually doesn't feel too good either. And feeling like you're not enough for your partner is extremely corrosive to a relationship.

Save yourselves the pain and take the time to really talk about what's going on. Honestly express your needs and say how they aren't being met. Talk about expectations with your partner. Ask them if they can meet these expectations. If they can't, decide how much you're willing to compromise to save the relationship. If you can't find common ground, going your separate ways is better than trying to keep an unhappy relationship going.

Open relationships can be an awesome adventure for couples who are prepared to lay the groundwork and continue to do the maintenance work. These special relationships take a lot of open, honest communication, a lot of respect, and an infinite amount of trust. For couples who are willing to take the plunge and try something new, open relationships can be magical and fulfilling. But they're better left to the people who can handle them. If that's not you, that's fine too.

Sources: Lovemore.com, Huffington Post, New York Post, NY Magazine, Marie Claire